Why Nervous System Regulation is the Best Thing You Can Do For Your Relationships

Co-regulation is an element of the nervous system that I love. As a parent and coach, it is a tool I use regularly to regulate my clients and my children. I often have people referring to me as the calm one, as I am able to help people regulate when they feel stressed.

Co-regulation often occurs between a mother and her children naturally. Your baby cries, you soothe them with a calming voice and cuddles.

When we take the same principles and apply them to other relationships in our lives, we can create better connections.

The relationships you want - and what gets in the way

Are you craving deep, meaningful connections with your friends, your partner, your children?

For most people, that’s what a relationship is, a connection with someone that brings mutual happiness, support and presence. So if you are finding that is missing from one or more of your relationships, what does that mean and can you change it?

The good news is that building connection is something you completely have influence over, and often due to the impact the nervous system has on relationships, calming your nervous system and becoming aware of your own patterns can make a huge difference to how you approach relationships.

Self awareness is central to it all, once you know yourself, your nervous system patterns, your values, your strengths and your life goals, everything else becomes easier to navigate.

Why your nervous system matters when it comes to relationships

When dealing with other people and relationships, your nervous system could be viewed as your energy - you respond well to energy your nervous system is attuned to and is comfortable with, and if an energy makes you feel unsafe, your nervous system will respond to that by activating fight or flight mode.

That’s why in romantic connections, you get a “feeling” or in friendships, some people put you more at ease than others. It’s all about what your nervous system feels comfortable with which is based on what you experienced growing up.

When you sense that you have a pattern in the people you choose to spend time with or enter relationships with, this is often based on what your nervous system has learnt is “safe”. Those patterns you find yourself in are not personality flaws, they are your nervous system doing its job by sensing what has felt safe in the past. Building an awareness of this can help you break those patterns.

What you need to know about the Ventral Vagal / Social Engagement System

If you remember back in my blog about signs of nervous system dysregulation, the Ventral Vagal System is at the top of the autonomic ladder, this part of the system is also known as the Social Engagement System (SES). The Social Engagement System is concerned with building deep and connected relationships.

At the top of the ladder, the Social Engagement System is our nervous systems baseline when we are feeling safe and connected.

If you think about how you feel with your closest friends or family when you feel like you can be completely yourself, the people you feel like you can share your life with, the people you tell everything to. This feeling is the feeling that you get when in Ventral Vagal State.

On the flip side, if you feel you have to do things to please others, worry about upsetting other people beyond a reasonable amount or feel like you can’t be your full self - this is a sign that you do not feel safe in that environment. It is worth reflecting on whether those feelings are caused by the people that make you feel that way, or whether your nervous system is in a state of dysregulation.

What is co-regulation?

Co-regulation is the process of a calm, regulated person helping another person to regulate their emotions, behaviours and physical reactions. It is a natural instinct and a very powerful tool we can use.

Humans are wired for connection, tribes formed based on their connection and ability to co-regulate with others around them once danger had passed - it’s a survival skill meaning they could continue to hunt once the imminent danger passed.

Co-regulating is such a natural reaction that if your own nervous system is regulated, it comes as second nature. The reason we struggle with it these days is because many people are operating with a dysregulated system, modern living places more pressure on our nervous system than we are used to and gives it less time to recover between activation.

It can also work in reverse so that if you spend lots of time with someone who is very dysregulated, it can also make you feel dysregulated. For example you might be feeling ok and then spend time with someone who has had a stressful day, when you leave that interaction you might be more stressed than when you entered it. This also explains why your children being dysregulated can make you feel stressed so easily, even when you have complete empathy for them.

Building a self awareness of your nervous system patterns, your window of tolerance and your triggers can be very helpful in maintaining a regulated state, even when faced with dysregulated people.

Co-regulation can move in two directions - to energise you or to calm you. It is important to recognise both and to learn when you or the person you are co-regulating need each type.

What co-regulation looks like in everyday life

Who do you call when you are upset and need a shoulder to cry on? You choose that person for their ability to co-regulate - your experience shows that they can calm you. Maybe its the hug that friend gives you, the judgement free chat or the comfort you feel in their presence.

Does your partner’s presence help you decompress? You know after a stressful day, you can sit with them and feel better - that’s co-regulation in practice.

And that hug you give your child when they are upset, that’s you co-regulating them.

You see why having a regulated nervous system is so important for you to co-regulate someone else. If your nervous system is activated, it’s focus is on survival, not calming others.

Co-regulation with your children

When you are regulated, you become a source of safety for your children, and that is one of the most powerful gifts you can give them.

Think about your child coming home from school one day, upset about something that happened. When you are calm and present, you can support them immediately. You can soothe them with your voice and presence. You can help them feel safe enough to let it out, process the emotions and move on. The connection does more than just calm them in the moment, it teaches them that it is safe to come to you, that their feelings are manageable and that they are not alone with the hard stuff.

The feelings of safety you introduce to them in the small, every day moments can stick with them throughout their lives. The hug that soothes them as a child will likely still work when they are teenagers, and research shows those patterns of co-regulation that are built in childhood can stay with us into adulthood.

Your voice is already one of the most powerful regulation tools your child has. It has been since the day they were born. Science shows that a mother’s soothing voice is one of the most effective ways to calm a distressed child - it is the principle behind some listening therapies, including the Safe and Sound Protocol developed by Dr Stephen Porges, which filters music through frequencies that mimic the human voice to calm the nervous system.

You already have everything you need to regulate your child’s system. Nervous System Regulation will help you find your own calm to enable you to access what you need more often.

How to intentionally use co-regulation in relationships

The good news is that co-regulation is something you can intentionally do, it isn’t just something that happens to you.

To intentionally co-regulate off other people, you need to be aware of how the people around you make you feel. Different characters, personalities and energies will impact your nervous system in a completely unique way.

You might find some people around you calm you, some energise you and some might do a bit of both. Start paying attention to how you feel after spending time with different people around you. Building this awareness will help you reach out to the right person when you need to co-regulate.

To intentionally co-regulate other people, you can either up-regulate or down-regulate your system to provide the energy the other person needs. This might look like calming your system before spending time with friends that you know are going through a difficult time - having a calm, regulated nervous system allows that other person to borrow your calm.

It might also look like energising yourself, perhaps through listening to uplifting music or through movement before seeing someone who needs support or motivation.

Sometimes, co-regulating a young child who has been testing your patience can be one of the most challenging aspects of parenthood, you feel stressed with the situation but they need your calm to feel better.

In these situations, a calming breath is the quickest and easiest way to calm your system. Ensure your child is safe, and then allow yourself a minute, inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7 and take a long slow exhale for a count of 8. Repeat this a few times and feel your body calm. You can also repeat slowly to yourself “I am safe, I am calm” to remind your mind that you are safe and in control of the situation. A hug and soothing voice is often the best co-regulation tool for a child.

What happens in your relationships when you regulate yourself

Regulating your nervous system can open so many opportunities for you. When you are not operating from survival mode every day, you become open to deeper connection, new opportunities, you feel joy more deeply and you feel present in the moment.

And the more you feel these things, the calmer your system becomes.

You will notice your connections deepen, your relationships become stronger and your happiness improve.

You might find that some relationships that drain you fall away, that some people were attracted to your dysregulated energy rather than your regulated energy. That’s part of growth, and through a regulated system you may find your confidence grow, and new people entering your life.

If any of this has resonated and you are ready to start, understanding where your nervous system is now is a good place to start - my free nervous system quiz can give you that snapshot.